Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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