my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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