I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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