i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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