i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
