I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
