Just fell off a train. Bad.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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