Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
