fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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