after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
