I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
