Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I want you more than these girls want KFC
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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