I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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