i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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