if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
