just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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