It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
