Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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