i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
