I'm gonna have a badass scar
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Randomize
