Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
