And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
