I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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