God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
