he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
