yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
