Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
