The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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