no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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