I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
