Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize