i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
