i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
