I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You need Xanax blowdarts
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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