it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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