Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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