I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
