my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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