when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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