i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
