I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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