Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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