Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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