If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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