Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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