Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
