Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
