(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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