I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
