i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
