Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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