you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
