I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize