After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my shit smells like andre
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
