Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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