I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
