Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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